It was not uncommon for my mother to act in a destructive way when I was younger, but that doesn’t mean that she spent a lot of time apologising. Shortly after she had done something, she would generally act as though nothing had happened.
I would then similar to dropping a plate of food on the floor and then carrying on as normal. This was a time when she would often hit me and my sister, be verbally abusive, or act in a cold manner.
It Was Pointless
At first, I would cry and or get angry about it, but I soon realised that this was a waste of time. I was only a very small child, so I couldn’t understand why my mother couldn’t see what she was doing or why she didn’t respond to the pain that I was in.
I soon came to believe that I was invisible and that it was a waste of time for me to express the pain that I was in. The best thing for me to do was to go to my room and to be by myself.
However, while this allowed me to get away from my mother, it was a time when I would feel extremely bad. Through being neglected so much, I didn’t have the ability to handle my emotions.
I would be in immense pain, and this would generally be a time when I just wanted my life to end. I didn’t feel as though my family cared about me and I no longer wanted to be on this planet, it was too painful.
I may have lived in a fairly big house and had enough food to eat, but I was going through hell. Feeling completely powerless was something that I became accustomed to and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
The only option I had was to disconnect from my feelings when I could, but this didn’t have much of an effect when I was in my room by myself, and to turn myself into a needless human being. If I no longer needed anything from my mother, I would no longer have to suffer.
Physically my mother was there, yet she couldn’t or wouldn’t respond to my needs. At that age I needed a mother who was responsive to my needs; instead, I had a mother who couldn’t mother.
When I got older I would often speak to my mother if she did something that had a negative effect on me. Sometimes she would say that she was sorry and that she would change, for instance, but it was often only a matter of before she did the same thing again.
A Needy Child
The years went by and I soon looked like an adult, but that was as far as it went. Deep down I felt like a needy child, and this stopped me from being able to feel like an interdependent human being.
The mother I had was unable to give me what I needed as a child and this meant that I had to reparent myself. The therapists and healers that I worked with over the years also played a part.